He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
