is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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