I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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