I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Success! We fucked roommates!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
