Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We just shotgunned beers for America
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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