dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
