Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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