I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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