someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
