"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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