I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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