I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I supernannyed him into submission
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
