My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
