i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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