Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
