I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
