Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
