I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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