yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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