the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
