You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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