We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
then he tried to convert me to islam
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize