I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
