tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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