I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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