12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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