How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
