I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
