I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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