How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
