Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
