I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dignity is for republicans.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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