you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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