My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
