someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
