a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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