It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
