I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I could make wine with my vomit
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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