If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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