Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
