there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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