We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
