I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
