I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
