Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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