well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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