I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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