I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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