If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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