This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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