Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
