okay pat passed out under dana's car
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
