Is it because I queefed?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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