I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm passing your future prison.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
