my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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