proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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