i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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