Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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