You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
