I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
