Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
