Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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