highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
