dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
im six kinds of drunk right now
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
