Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
