Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just invented taco cereal.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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