you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
