I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
