weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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