Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i want to swaddle you in tequila
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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