The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
